I’m slim. In case you haven’t seen me, take a look at the about page for a picture since I refuse to turn this into a BlackBerry photo shoot. Anyway, as I stated, I’m fucking slim! This leaves me at great disadvantage to the rest of the world. Sure, if I turn sideways I can disappear on you. I kill at hide and seek! Sure, when push comes to shove, I can walk into areas most American children can’t get into (childhood obesity is no joke!). Men and women have told me they envy my body. Being slim is cool, until you encounter large black women.
I’m known as the slim, muscular one. I’m slim, so they underestimate. It works to my advantage. Someone even calls me “Slim”. This guy (mid 50s maybe) that comes to the pharmacy at work. He calls me Slim every time he comes in. Freaking love that guy. He’s cool beans! But not all of it is fucking rainbows and poisonous unicorns. This sucks!!
What is “this” you may ask. I’ll tell you!! Currently, I’m on a New York City bus on my way home. I’m sitting in the back two seats. I believe in a FUCKING BUFFER ZONE! I don’t sit next to people, I don’t stand next to people, in fact if there are 3 urinals, and a guy is in the middle, I look at him and shake my head since I feel this is a clear violation of the unwritten code! I then wait until he’s done so I can go to one side. I expect the next person to take the OTHER side and not come next to me. Its the unwritten rule, people!! You just give people space. But no. No no no no no! Large black women don’t give me a break! They just see me. I’m slim, I’m light skinned, I wear glasses, and I’m neat. So they take it as an open invite. They’re logic is probably that I don’t take up that much room anyway. You’re right! I don’t. But damn, that doesn’t mean you have to take up your seat plus half of mine!
Now she’s picking at her face. I swear if pimple juice gets on me I’ll fucking wild out like Mr. Chow in The Hangover!!! “You gonna fuck on meeeee?!”
My life is great. My size is optimum. I’m slim, but I have muscle to back it up and work as my paper weight. But large black women and I just don’t get along! It doesn’t work! I need a new shirt. First person to find me an “I hate when large black women sit next to me and squish my skinny ass on the bus” shirt will get a spotlight session, and probably some money!
Help me! Please!