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Posts tagged ‘new york’

Slim Syndrome

I’m slim. In case you haven’t seen me, take a look at the about page for a picture since I refuse to turn this into a BlackBerry photo shoot. Anyway, as I stated, I’m fucking slim! This leaves me at great disadvantage to the rest of the world. Sure, if I turn sideways I can disappear on you. I kill at hide and seek! Sure, when push comes to shove, I can walk into areas most American children can’t get into (childhood obesity is no joke!). Men and women have told me they envy my body. Being slim is cool, until you encounter large black women.

I’m known as the slim, muscular one. I’m slim, so they underestimate. It works to my advantage. Someone even calls me “Slim”. This guy (mid 50s maybe) that comes to the pharmacy at work. He calls me Slim every time he comes in. Freaking love that guy. He’s cool beans! But not all of it  is fucking rainbows and poisonous unicorns. This sucks!!

What is “this” you may ask. I’ll tell you!! Currently, I’m on a New York City bus on my way home. I’m sitting in the back two seats. I believe in a FUCKING BUFFER ZONE! I don’t sit next to people, I don’t stand next to people, in fact if there are 3 urinals, and a guy is in the middle, I look at him and shake my head since I feel this is a clear violation of the unwritten code! I then wait until he’s done so I can go to one side.  I expect the next person to take the OTHER side and not come next to me. Its the unwritten rule, people!! You just give people space. But no. No no no no no! Large black women don’t give me a break! They just see me. I’m slim, I’m light skinned, I wear glasses, and I’m neat. So they take it as an open invite. They’re logic is probably that I don’t take up that much room anyway. You’re right! I don’t. But damn, that doesn’t mean you have to take up your seat plus half of mine!

Now she’s picking at her face. I swear if pimple juice gets on me I’ll fucking wild out like Mr. Chow in The Hangover!!! “You gonna fuck on meeeee?!”

My life is great. My size is optimum. I’m slim, but I have muscle to back it up and work as my paper weight. But large black women and I just don’t get along! It doesn’t work! I need a new shirt. First person to find me an “I hate when large black women sit next to me and squish my skinny ass on the bus” shirt will get a spotlight session, and probably some money!

Help me! Please!


Eat People, Get Down, Stay Grounded

New York City is the most amazing place on the planet (not including Willy Wonka’s or Sesame Street, but I’m not even going to get into the magnitude of that when I was a child). Anyway…

This picture right here is the epitome of why I love my city! In most places the celebrities, they may be a little weird. Out here, New York City, the weird are the celebrities. If you’re having a hard time deciphering the picture, no, you’re not looking at a dropped bag of party accessories. That is a human. Yes, it’s a male. And yes, again, he’s chilling in the middle (okay, maybe not the middle middle, like middle) but shit, he’s laying down in the street like it’s his couch. If that isn’t thug life then I don’t know what the fuck is!

I was walking up (wait), no sorry I was walking downtown one night with my headphones in, blasting music, and dodging/scaring tourists. I almost tripped over this dude as I was dancing blindly in the streets. I walked by, and about 10 feet later, my brain kicked me in the forehead and told me to turn around. I did, and it dawned on me…

This is a cool motherfucker!!

I’ve seen this guy before. He’s usually not hanging out this far up. He’s a 14th street baby. His bike is wicked awesome too!! I wonder if anyone has ever tried to rob him for it. They have probably tried. He probably killed them and ate them for dinner. Maybe that’s why he’s laying down in Times Square? That’s a pretty big meal. It’s kind of like…

I don’t know that kids name, but damn he tastes good with hot sauce!

Then, just like with Chinese food, the itis kicks in… NOW! And then there you are, downed from eating people.

But then we wonder, what does he do when he’s not eating people (most likely tourists, since New Yorkers probably taste like crap)? Well, you got to get down to get up right? So lets do the equation.

Up + edible people = down.

Down is now had. You have down. You are down.

Down = only one way to go = up.

Therefore you got to get down to get up. Duhr.

So what do you do once you’re up aka not down? You do the only logical thing! You stand on a garbage can in 70 degree weather in order to spot your next meal. There he is!

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