My mood is slowly changing again. I’m not sure of which direction it is going in. Is it up or is it down? Is it left or is it right? Diagonal? Who knows.
I’m somewhat focused with this new project I am working on and it is by far the strongest feeling thing I have ever attempted on my own. I feel so much promise with this one. I’m so anxious, yet so afraid at the same time. I like that.
I got home tonight and my kid sister had a meeting with me about how she wants to become an entrepreneur. She wants a Nintendo DSi, so she wants to sell her DS and find a way to get the remainder of the money to pay for it. How a 14 year old managed to inspire me from this tiny scenario, I’m not sure. But I do know that her ambition has fueled me in a way that I cannot explain.
So this Friday or Saturday I will set out on my first venture for my new project. I hope to hit this thing face first because I’d rather crash, burn, and learn early on and be able to build from there. So many ideas, so much time, so little clue as to what the heck I am doing. But in the end, all that matters is that I take the opportunity and run with it like OJ Simpson did with his white Bronco. I run this. Music is motivation. So it’s time for me to turn up the volume and think.
Peace out kids.
Lacking inspiration as a writer, stinks! This is something like day 3 of my dry spell. I end up thinking of these great ideas for blog posts but in the end, when I start writing, they materialize into nothing.
I’ve been stuck. I really like the people I work with, but I am not too fond of the money I am making. I’m used to making so much more and doing considerably less. Now, after the latest situation with my manager it just makes me realize that I really am not a person who can function in the white collar world (especially not at the bottom of the totem pole) and I’m not even in a white collar job. I hate politics, I hate “bosses”, I hate protocol and orders and working hard only to be shafted by the people who don’t work as hard but make love to assholes with some serious tongue. It hit me in the head today. Kissing ass is the way to get ahead and I’m way too prideful to kiss ass. I just cant do it! It’s not in me to do so. I feel defeated at the fact that I even acknowledge this. But then it leads me to thinking.
What if I look at this all wrong? What if I am just like the punk rock kid who dresses a certain way to say “Fuck the system”? I show off this display, stand on my ground, and show that I will never fall to “the man”. But who is the man? And exactly how am I affecting this motherfucker by standing here “on my own two”? I watched a movie in class one day, SLC Punk, awesome movie. One of the things that really hit me in this comedy gone…somewhere…was that the best way to fuck up the system is from within. So do I conform? Am I forced to conform?
Bobby Womack expressed that sometimes you’ve got to bring ass to get ass. Does that mean you have to kiss ass to get ass? I want ass!! Well, I want the power to control me. I don’t want to control anyone else. I want so bad to finally become an entrepreneur but I have no guidance and far too many ideas, all with no kind of backing. So what do I do now?
I do the only thing I can: I write. I write it out until there’s nothing left. But along this road I really hope I’m able to find some help, guidance, or simply get lucky along the way. I need this, I really do. I need to be able to feel again. I need to be able to have the sky be my platform, not my limit. I need to see beyond the ordinary but it’s so fucking difficult right now. I need a sign. I need new friends. New associations may lead to new avenues, but I’m so consumed with work and school that they own me. I have no time for myself. What do I do now? Huh? What now?
Writers block. It’s when you can’t write because you have nothing to talk about. Right? Or is it because you have so much all over the place that you can’t decipher the trash in order to make sense of anything? If it is, or even if it isn’t, that’s where I am right now. I just finished watching Criminal Minds and now Without A Trace is on. I’ve been wanting to write all day long but I haven’t been able to write a damn thing!
It’s Thursday now, which means that it is officially Thanksgiving!! Happy Turkey Day everyone!
Anyway, this not being able to write thing is really building up anxiety and it’s running all through my body. I’m finding it hard to keep still. I just keep moving and moving and moving. I figured when in doubt, just write about not being able to write. Needless to say, its not fucking helping!!
So what am I to do now? I’m so frustrated with this I could probably just…just…spontaneously explode and let all of my confetti fly around the room. Maybe then I’ll feel better about this crap. Why am I even still writing? I wish I could get the wheels turning. Maybe I need something. Something to drink, something to eat. Or maybe I just need to get some sleep! Lets see what I come up with in the morning. Working from 9 to 5 on Thanksgiving = sexy [so not sexy!!!]. I feel like I need to go run around the block and get some stray pitbulls to chase me around. At least that will add some substantial spark to my night.
Peace little bugs.