Sibling Enlightenment

My mood is slowly changing again. I’m not sure of which direction it is going in. Is it up or is it down? Is it left or is it right? Diagonal? Who knows.

I’m somewhat focused with this new project I am working on and it is by far the strongest feeling thing I have ever attempted on my own. I feel so much promise with this one. I’m so anxious, yet so afraid at the same time. I like that.

I got home tonight and my kid sister had a meeting with me about how she wants to become an entrepreneur. She wants a Nintendo DSi, so she wants to sell her DS and find a way to get the remainder of the money to pay for it. How a 14 year old managed to inspire me from this tiny scenario, I’m not sure. But I do know that her ambition has fueled me in a way that I cannot explain.

So this Friday or Saturday I will set out on my first venture for my new project. I hope to hit this thing face first because I’d rather crash, burn, and learn early on and be able to build from there. So many ideas, so much time, so little clue as to what the heck I am doing. But in the end, all that matters is that I take the opportunity and run with it like OJ Simpson did with his white Bronco. I run this. Music is motivation. So it’s time for  me to turn up the volume and think.

Peace out kids.

Just Give Me The Light

No, I am not Sean Paul. I am, however, learning to focus on the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Today was another up and down day. The roller coaster continues, but this time there was much more up than down. I took a gamble today. In fact, I took about six.

I have so much going on and for some reason all of these things manage to overwhelm me, the person who is usually never overwhelmed. So much has changed. I lost my edge. I lost my business junkie side. I want it back. I used to be the one who was only content with 10 things to do or else I would be bored. I need that back.

Anyway, about the gamble. I played a scratch off today and won $1 from it. I did this about 3 times, then won $5 from one. I was so excited I almost grabbed someones baby and kissed it like I was running for el presidente. I am not running for president, but you should still vote for me [duh!]. I took the last of the winnings, and decided to go big. Two tickets. One for NY Lottery, the other for Mega Millions. My luck seemed to be good today, so I figured I might as well ride it out.

I also began working out again today. Lifting weights, doing push-ups, and shadow boxing really made me see, or rather feel how much damage I did to my body with the bad eating habits, the occasional smoking [I'm so done!] and the heavy drinking. It feels good to be working my way back to some realm of ninja normalcy. I mean, this is me. I’m one of the rootinest, tootinest, ass-kicking motherfuckas around! What was I doing? I need my body back in the shape it used to be. When I felt sexy and not like the worlds skinniest fat man.

I’m learning to ride the wave. I’m learning to let time do it’s thing. I’m slowly learning to let go. All help me squint a little bit harder. Harder. Squinty squinty, until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just give it to me already! Okay, so maybe I’m still impatient! But fuck you, patience! Amen.

Making Progress

I’m now back to the drawing board. What I want will never change. I want to be the boss. Not of the other person though, just of my own destiny and paycheck. I have a new project in the works and this one will most definitely go well beyond my usual limitations of self. I feel great promise in this one but it will remain under wraps until I can get a hold of it and figure out how to make it sprout wings and take off a bit.

I spent about two hours talking to my mom about this, tonight. I have so many great ideas that I have no clue what to do with. We went back and forth about random business ideas and the fact that no celebrities have just one source of income, yet we as everyday  people on the grind find it so easing to rely on one thing. We need to think ahead. We need to see beyond. I watch so many celebs. Some are talented, some are, in my opinion, just plain trash. But, they’re doing their thing. It’s time I get back to my thing. It’s time to change the way I think globally. I need to meet new people, not only for friendships, but for connections. I need to network with people who think beyond what they have to do for homework. I need to be inspired.

My mom says I need a mentor. Someone who has done it before. I once met Russell Simmons in Union Square and it blew my mind. Not because he was a celeb, but because there was so much about becoming an entrepreneur that I wanted to ask him. So much I missed out on. So much I needed guidance on that I never got the opportunity to fly with. Oh well, no sense in crying over spilled milk. All I can do now is try to fly and depend on family and friends to catch me and push me back up when I fall.

People don’t follow what you do, they follow what you believe. I think I understand that very well now. Rev Run said the best way to make money is to make someone else money. I have no clue at all how I am going to incorporate that into my latest idea, but I’m sure I will figure it out along the way. I have faith in my abilities and I know for sure I have at least two people holding me down. There may be others, but hey, they have their own things to worry about. I appreciate even one.

Thanks everyone, for reading and encouraging me over the years. Some people have watched my writing evolve from nonsense to simply better nonsense. I hope it will always remain nonsense. If it doesn’t, then that means I am losing my sense of humor. In such event, please run me over with a Smart car while doing 2 mph and honking the horn. Never let the downs define you. Let them make you stronger. There is no success without failure. And always remember, failure is a thing, an action. You cannot be a failure. You can only fail to believe in yourself.

Lacking Inspiration

Lacking inspiration as a writer, stinks! This is something like day 3 of my dry spell. I end up thinking of these great ideas for blog posts but in the end, when I start writing, they materialize into nothing.

I’ve been stuck. I really like the people I work with, but I am not too fond of the money I am making. I’m used to making so much more and doing considerably less. Now, after the latest situation with my manager it just makes me realize that I really am not a person who can function in the white collar world (especially not at the bottom of the totem pole) and I’m not even in a white collar job. I hate politics, I hate “bosses”, I hate protocol and orders and working hard only to be shafted by the people who don’t work as hard but make love to assholes with some serious tongue. It hit me in the head today. Kissing ass is the way to get ahead and I’m way too prideful to kiss ass. I just cant do it! It’s not in me to do so. I feel defeated at the fact that I even acknowledge this. But then it leads me to thinking.

What if I look at this all wrong? What if I am just like the punk rock kid who dresses a certain way to say “Fuck the system”? I show off this display, stand on my ground, and show that I will never fall to “the man”. But who is the man? And exactly how am I affecting this motherfucker by standing here “on my own two”? I watched a movie in class one day, SLC Punk, awesome movie. One of the things that really hit me in this comedy gone…somewhere…was that the best way to fuck up the system is from within. So do I conform? Am I forced to conform?

Bobby Womack expressed that sometimes you’ve got to bring ass to get ass. Does that mean you have to kiss ass to get ass? I want ass!! Well, I want the power to control me. I don’t want to control anyone else. I want so bad to finally become an entrepreneur but I have no guidance and far too many ideas, all with no kind of backing. So what do I do now?

I do the only thing I can: I write. I write it out until there’s nothing left. But along this road I really hope I’m able to find some help, guidance, or simply get lucky along the way. I need this, I really do. I need to be able to feel again. I need to be able to have the sky be my platform, not my limit. I need to see beyond the ordinary but it’s so fucking difficult right now. I need a sign. I need new friends. New associations may lead to new avenues, but I’m so consumed with work and school that they own me. I have no time for myself. What do I do now? Huh? What now?

Writers Block Not

Writers block. It’s when you can’t write because you have nothing to talk about. Right? Or is it because you have so much all over the place that you can’t decipher the trash in order to make sense of anything? If it is, or even if it isn’t, that’s where I am right now. I just finished watching Criminal Minds and now Without A Trace is on. I’ve been wanting to write all day long but I haven’t been able to write a damn thing!

It’s Thursday now, which means that it is officially Thanksgiving!! Happy Turkey Day everyone!

Anyway, this not being able to write thing is really building up anxiety and it’s running all through my body. I’m finding it hard to keep still. I just keep moving and moving and moving. I figured when in doubt, just write about not being able to write. Needless to say, its not fucking helping!!

So what am I to do now? I’m so frustrated with this I could probably just…just…spontaneously explode and let all of my confetti fly around the room. Maybe then I’ll feel better about this crap. Why am I even still writing? I wish I could get the wheels turning. Maybe I need something. Something to drink, something to eat. Or maybe I just need to get some sleep! Lets see what I come up with in the morning. Working from 9 to 5 on Thanksgiving = sexy [so not sexy!!!]. I feel like I need to go run around the block and get some stray pitbulls to chase me around. At least that will add some substantial spark to my night.

Peace little bugs.